About Me - Derek’s 21 Questions
Q1: Why do you swear so much?
Studies have shown the most intelligent people fuckin' swear. I like
to bluff and make people think I'm smarter than I really am. That's
also why I married an intelligent woman. Rumor has it that smart
people stick together. Or, some bullshit like that. Some people can
dunk a basketball. others can sing a beautiful song. I can describe
a galactically fucktarded individual and call them a jizzblister.
Q2: Exactly how many dicks are in a bag of dicks?
A metric bag of dicks contains 7 dicks. An Imperial NZ bag of dicks is allowed to have 8-13 dicks, contingent on half of them being sheep penises. The bag is required to be of organic, plant-based material and is prohibited to include synthetic fibers. The bag must have an enclosure that is safe for infants and does not create a choking hazard. Minimum dick length is measured in nanometers and weight in nanotonnes. A bag of dicks should never be confused with a sack of cocks, as that is completely offensive and has subversive purposes. Sicko.
Q3: Are all of your stories true?
I really wish they weren't, as many of them are incredibly embarrassing. However, all the stories that are published are of life events that have actually happened. I will never publish a last name to protect the names of the innocent. So, if you have a really distinct and unique first name, you might not want to hang out with me. Ever.
Q4: Why is your website name so long?
Hey, asshole. I don't know if you know this, but a lot of domain names are kinda already taken. We tried to use www.google.com, but oddly enough it was already taken. If you can come up with a shorter domain name that is relevant to what we do here, please let us know. Don't buy it and hold it for ransom from us for $10,000, as that will cause many, many, many blog posts to be written about you. With your full name.
Q5: What keeps you motivated to keep writing?
I have a very scary editor. Nothing motivates more than fear. All kidding aside, I want to be a role model for Asian males. But, especially Asian males who can read English. Until, we can actually produce this website for other languages that use those funny symbols.
Q6: Derek, why were you such a manwhore?
Imagine starving for most of your life. Then, someone brings you to an all you can eat buffet. What would you do? Thankfully, the buffet hours are done and I'm quite satisfied with the dining experience and the very thought of another trip makes me physically queasy. Plus, for almost three months, the only movie I could watch was Deuce Bigalow.
Q7: What is your biggest vice?
Q8: Are you currently in Alcoholics Anonymous?
I do talk a lot about alcohol! Unlike this blog, alcohol should not be consumed daily. I am a strong advocate of only drinking on days that start with a T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, and Tomorrow. This allows me to drink responsibly.
Q9: What's up with the New Zealand All Blacks?
As someone who played 13 years of rugby, I absolutely love the All Blacks. I have had a lot of mates from many different countries I have played with. Without a doubt, the coolest and most humble were the Kiwi players. What I love the most about the All Blacks is they are from a tiny nation of 4 million people in the most remote location on the planet, yet they have dominated the global rugby scene for over a century. I love how they have embraced their Maori population into the team and the haka is such an integral part of the team.
Q10: What is something that would surprise people about you?
I like watching Hallmark Movies. Shut the fuck up.
Q11: What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who message me saying they love the blog, but don't subscribe. In all seriousness, I would probably have to say my biggest pet peeve is when people don't follow through. I don't really consider that a pet peeve, I categorize that in valid reasons for public execution, though. And, people who ask me if I'm from North Korea. Those folks can suck a bag of dicks. See above for clarification.
Q12: How old were you when you were adopted? And where did you come from?
I was almost 6 years old. Old enough to have some very unfond memories of my beginning years. I was born in Seongnam, Korea. It's the equivalent of being born in Hoboken, NJ. My birth certificate says I was born in Seoul, Korea. I'm in no hurry to change that.
Q13: What's the least Korean thing about you?
I'm terrible at math and I'm an excellent driver. Ethnic stereotypes aside, I think the least Korean thing about me is I really don't like to eat disgusting things like tongue, creatures that come from the ocean with tentacles, and pieces of animal that should only be found in sausage.
Q14: Have you been back to Korea?
Yes. Otherwise, this blog wouldn't have been created and there would not be very much content. So, it would end up looking like a normal blog.
Q15: Who would play you in a movie about your life?
I would like to say Pierce Brosnan, but in the interest of accuracy I would have to say I think John Cho would be a great pick. And, since his show got cancelled we could probably pick him up pretty cheaply. If you thought I would say Ken Jeong, we need to seriously talk about your thought processes.
Q16: When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be an Army Ranger Captain. I decided this in about second grade. Sadly, my brother pushed me down the stairs at the orphanage and I came to this country with a broken elbow. I was medically disqualified from serving in the military. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Q17: Are you glad you got adopted?
I won the fucking lottery coming to the United States. I appreciate being an American so very much. I would probably have ended up never getting adopted in Korea and I don't really like the statistical probability of what my life would have been if that happened.
Q18: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
Since I don't look like Brad Pitt, I would make everyone look alike so we could focus on the content of our character. And, I would make all of us look like Charlize Theron, or Rachel McAdams.
Q19: What is the quality you like the most about yourself?
Either my incredible modesty, or my overwhelming sense of humility. I would like to think my best quality is I try my best to remember that other people aren't me and I try to act accordingly. Which is really difficult for a raving egomaniac.
Q20: What is the worst quality that you think you have?
There should be 21 questions about this topic alone. There are so many contenders. Let's see? I'm a techno-idiot. My boss has a permanent "How are you this fucking stupid?" look on her face when it comes to basic things like sending an email, using Excel, and accepting meeting invites. I'm also incredibly snobbish and elitist. Although, I love hanging out in dive bars, so go figure. I also have the memory of a fruit fly. I blame that on past rampant drug use, dozens of concussions playing rugby, and lastly that most of what happens in my life bores the shit out of me.
Q21: What is one thing that would help the International Adoptee community?
Definitely reparations. Korea, you owe me some motherfucking money! Nah. I think what would be incredibly helpful is in encouraging the realization that while we did not have any control over what happened to us earlier, we are able to direct our story now and that can be in whatever way feels right for us.
Q22: What would your superpower be?
I would like to know everything. I would have used it to pick up even more chicks. Actually, I would like the ability to read people's minds. That would have been helpful when I thought I looked cool wearing an ankle bracelet.