My wife has a picture of me that she finds absolutely hilarious. As you can see, I didn't do the best job grooming my hair on that day and the results speak for themselves. Being Asian in this country and getting a good haircut is like finding a great ribeye in India. Borderline impossible for the average Joe. I've worn the same hairstyle for almost 20 years because my options are somewhat limited in things that don't make me look like a galactic fucktard. So, dear readers, I would like to pose a challenge to you. Find me a new hairstyle because I really don't want to go back to the bowl and cut the bangs look my mom gave me for most of my childhood. I also don't want the high mousse Jordan Knight look I rocked for most of high school and years following. Short, spiky low maintenance hair is what I'm currently at, but surely there have to be better options for Asian guys?
Getting a haircut today involves going to the closest place I can find whenever I remember I need to get a trim. I spend no time researching, or reading reviews because it simply does not matter. No matter what dish you get in the prison cafeteria it's all going to suck. So, whether I go to Supercuts, Sports Clips, high end salons, barber shops, or military boot camp the end result is some dude trying not to look like Kim Jong Un but failing miserably. Why is Asian hair so hard to cut? What about it causes hair "stylists" to lose all of their expertise and skills? I'll get the comment, "Your hair is so straight, so any mistake is so noticeable." So don't make mistakes, tonsorial professional! But, as sure as Dunkin' Donuts will fuck up your order, there's always that inevitable “oops” moment.
So, I'm going to open up an Asian Male hair salon. It's going to be called, “Chop Eewie.” We will still give out crap haircuts because apparently no Asian male can ever have great looking hair. BUT, at least we're not going to lie about it…. it's in the name itself! Plus, we'll include in your $29.99 haircut several eyeglass options making you look as unfuckable as possible as well. If you wear contacts, we'll offer some advice on other areas of your wardrobe guaranteed to even make your mother think twice about loving you. Now hiring "stylists". Oddly enough, no experience needed!