I Got Crabs

May 10, 2018

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I got asked not too long ago what my favorite food was. I immediately responded with crabs. Almost any kind of crabs: King, snow, stone, Dungeness, etc., but my absolute favorite kind are blue crabs. Why? Because I believe it isn't a proper meal unless you hit what you're about to eat with a hammer. I imagine there would be a lot more vegetarians if, when you went to Burger King for your Whopper w/ extra pickles, you had to go around back and hit ole Bessie on the head with a mallet. Many people love the taste of blue crab, but don't want to put forth the effort to pick the crabs apart. "It's too much work!" they'll whine. I call these people Midwesterners. But, I'm very ok with this. That means more crabs for me! Others will say one crab doesn't fill you up. Clearly these people have never eaten rice, pasta, grapes, shrimp, or anything else smaller than a Subway foot long. Blue crabs should be eaten by the bushel. Others still will say they think crabs look disgusting. These are the same individuals who gleefully went and got those awesome lower back tattoos. Their hypocrisy truly knows no bounds. Either that, or my definition of disgusting is very different than the rest of you.

 

How much do I love blue crabs? If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the 1600's Chesapeake Bay when crabs were everywhere and just eat myself into oblivion. Since many of you who are reading this are adoptees, I'm guessing you'd go back in time and meet your biological parents. There is only one problem with that. They don't like getting hit with wooden mallets. And, they definitely don't like getting lemon squeezed on them and being dipped in butter. But hey, you do you, boo. The Native American population would probably be very confused when they adopted me into their tribe because I would request my name be “Jumbo Lump” or” Eats with Tabasco.” Either one, I'm not picky. Get it, "picky"? Ha ha ha.

 

Now a great crab cake is potentially culinary perfection. I mean, I literally could spend the rest of the day regaling you on crab cake moments in my life. But, I really don't want anyone unsubscribing to the blog. So, I will reluctantly self-censure here and deny you the awesomeness of Crab Cake Corner hosted by Yours Truly. But the best way to eat a blue crab is steamed, or boiled and cracked open, and Old Bay-coated everywhere. Old Bay is the glitter of condiments. If you want to test a vacuum cleaner's effectiveness, give it the Old Bay test. I guarantee you it will wipe off that smug look on James Dyson's face. It is a confirmed fact from morticians that 26% of all cadavers have traces of Old Bay underneath their fingernails. And unlike glitter, Old Bay will cause Marylanders to like you more if you visit their house with some. Now you probably don't really care how much I love blue crabs, you're wondering how the hell I am going to tie this into anything remotely relevant in your life. You're saying to yourself, "Ummm...I came to be motivated, Derek, or amused and right now it's apparent you haven't slept well in a while." Well, think about this, you skeptical and impatient subscriber: Crabs can't do algebra. And, neither can I. BOOM! Dots connected!

 

Actually, you might not know this, but it is suspected that 25% of a blue crab's diet is...other blue crabs. They figured this out by researching the grub hub dining options of blue crabs and Joe's Crab Shack was ranked #1. Cannibalism is alive and well in the blue crab world! I would suggest that while actual human cannibalism is nowhere near as prevalent (although Jeffrey Dahmer's bologna LITERALLY had a first name), we figuratively cannibalize ourselves in far greater quantities than 25%.

 

WHAT?!?!? Hold on, hear me out. I'm sure you know of a situation where you survived at the expense of someone else. Or, someone did that to you. If I were to be honest, when I was a kid because I was a victim of bullying, I cannibalized other people's intellectual self-esteem. I bullied back harder and made sure those who picked on me for my ethnicity were made to feel incredibly stupid. All the time. I wonder how many people are out there with stunted claws because I took theirs at an earlier age and gobbled it up so my ego could be sustained. The saying is we live in a dog eat dog world. I maintain it should be crab eat crab because of the frequency of this mentality and because we don't have to completely consume someone else to do everlasting damage. I'm imagining most of you are thinking of times when you were the one being cannibalized, but if you were to be truly honest in the deepest parts of your soul I'm confident you can identify moments where you were the one doing the consuming. So, I offer a difficult solution: STOP. It seems so easy, but like so many things in life the easiest goals are often the most difficult. If faced with an option of success at the expense of someone else, please reconsider. Find a different way where all parties can benefit. Yes, it's harder. But I don't know about you, knowing I got bigger cannibalizing the spirit and esteem of someone else doesn't exactly fill me up with pride. In fact, quite the opposite. The shame is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

 

So, now that you have this perspective, ask yourself how often we consume someone else's energy, dreams, wishes, and use it for our own gains? A lot more than you had considered before. Perhaps significantly more than 25%? I think it's food for thought - get it, see what I did there? Callinectes Sapidus could be a very accurate derogatory term for someone who grows larger through the consumption of other people's lives.  Or, you can just call those people what they are normally called today --- management.

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