I Need to Hate Jon Gosselin for the Right Reasons Instead of This Wrong One

May 9, 2018

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Personally, I think a huge contributor to the downfall of civilization will be traced back to the advent of reality television. What will do us all in actually happened and started in our lifetime. We all had a role to play. And, if there is a poster child for this demise it has to be the Asshat of Asshats: Kim Kardashian. But, we're not going to talk about her. We're going to talk about a lesser turd weasel who had his moment in the sun and then slithered back to the dregs of a post-apocalyptic forgotten celebrity world as a TGI Fridays cook and part time DJ for Conrad Weiser Junior High dances.

 

On April 4, 2007, the "Learning" Channel - Ok, we gotta go on the first tangent of this story. Hey TLC, what kind of Komodo Dragon-sized balls do you need to call the nauseating drivel you put on television learning? The only way this descriptor is remotely accurate is you're learning new ways to sell out and exploit people for the voyeuristic pleasure of people who swear Bigfoot exists. I'm learning new ways to say, "Are you fucking serious?" as I overhear commercial programming ads when my wife is watching “Trading Spaces.” I guess I also learned the Duggars like boning. A lot. Other than that, calling this network of 50% sewage and 50% fun home renovation concepts, The Learning Channel is like going to Church's Chicken for the sermon. First tangent successfully completed! Give yourself a gold star!

 

Okay, on April 4, 2007, a horrific new show debuted called, “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” If you actually liked this show you might want to stop reading right now. I hear the Duck Dynasty boys accidentally blew something up. Go! We'll catch up on tomorrow's post, you gotta make sure the bearded dude still has all his limbs. For the rest of you, apparently this show is about the life of someone having 8 kids, 6 of whom were born at the same time. This might have been the very first Go Fund Me project ever offered, just in a very creative way. The Gosselins need money to raise 8 kids and TLC needs content for people who make cat sweaters and are bored of QVC reruns. It's a match made in heaven. It quickly became one of the highest rated shows on the network beating out such high-quality programs as “Honey Boo Boo” and “Sister Wives.” I like to think I'm a funny guy, but apparently not because even I couldn't think of tv show names like this. They became a cultural hit and were all over the place.

 

The first time I saw Jon Gosselin on TV, I thought he looked really familiar. I know we all look alike, but he was clearly a Hapa, which means half Korean and half white. Clearly meaning I'm just pulling guesses out of my ass. I don't have a great track record of accuracy with this stuff. For example, there is a website called www.alllooksame.com. On this site, you take a quiz and you have to identify an Asian person whether they are A. Japanese B. Korean or C. Chinese. I scored a 17%. Mathematically speaking, the result came back with "Are you even taking this seriously?". YES! Yes, judgmental laptop, I was! I'm just not very good at this! One split second before I'm applying to become a member of the KKK because I can't possibly be this bad at identifying ethnicities without being racist, I overhear something on the television about Pennsylvania, and more specifically, Wyomissing. I promptly hang up on the Grand Dragon and start paying attention to the worst show on television. First thought was: Kate would be a lot hotter if she just stopped talking. Second thought was: damn, that's a lot of kids. Third thought was: I need to schedule a vasectomy because there is no way in hell I want kids. Then there was a comment that Jon played soccer in high school and it’s when it hit me. I DID know this guy!

 

The good thing about going to a small school is you get to play any sport you want. I graduated with under 100 people in my class. My high school was so small even I made the JV soccer team. My decision entering high school was no one likes a know it all. If I had any chance of getting laid, I might want to diversify beyond memorizing the Constitution to things normal American kids like to do. I had a broken right arm that didn’t work very well, so I figured anything involving arms is pretty much out of the picture. Guess what's left? Soccer and track. I did both. One armed basketball hadn't been invented yet. In fact, it still hasn't, much to my dismay. But when it does, watch out, world. You're looking at the #1 draft pick.

 

Wyomissing and Kutztown were in the same division of competition. Berks County Div. 3. Wyomissing was known as the rich kid’s school. Their mascot was a douchebag. Okay, infuriatingly enough, it was a Spartan, the greatest mascot of all time. I really want to start a petition to replace the Spartan with a more appropriate mascot, like the Lacoste Crocodile. It's not an alligator, you jamoches! Look closer at the stitching! Stop saying alligator! I'd respect you more if you even erroneously said Cayman! Whatever. It's a dumb brand for people who want to be "subtle" about their wealth. Because driving around in daddy's BMW convertible is such a salt of the earth activity. Right, Spencer? You just graduated from Tangent Level 301! Congratulations! And no, you didn't get a participation award for getting through the second tangent. I know this. Stop whining, snowflake. You don't always get what you want. At least that is what the Rolling Stones said.

 

I did the math. When Jon Gosselin was a freshman (the appropriate age for a JV soccer player) and I was a junior, (Yeah, you don't have to nod your head in agreement, you know. I'm admitting I sucked!) we were on the same field. I remember looking at this kid who kinda looked like me and instantly hating him, Highlander style. There can only be one Asian! You are on my turf! Go back to China! This is my gig! I do recall a lot of dirty play between the two of us. It seemed we deliberately tried to seek each other out. As our skill levels were poor, it was a great excuse to cleat the other guy, to throw an elbow, and other activities more appropriate for the Octagon. Even after all these years, I was fuzzily remembering what a titanic twatwaffle this guy was. I hated his guts. He was Public Enemy #1. I don't even think I shook his hand after the game. I hoped his life would be a miserable train wreck that would be publicly documented for all to know.

 

Well, well, well. Apparently, I'm a demigod because look at the power my wishes wrought. JG is the Mastodon of fuck buckets. He's the poster child for bad decisions. He is famous for being the sperm donor to a ton of kids. Ones he now barely has any custody over. Lots of people hate JG. So, I'm in very popular company. But, I wish I could meet him. I would walk up and apologize for hating him for the wrong reasons. Because I was silly, stupid, immature, and selfish. You know, exactly like Jon Gosselin. I would say there was no reason for the intense animus I showed him, and I should have waited to get to know him better so, I could hate him for all the right reasons like everyone else does.

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