What the Fuck, North Korea.

May 16, 2018

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Today's post is brought to you by the letters:

 

F. U., the country of North Korea, and the number 7.

 

Recently, there was huge hope and optimism the Korean peninsula would finally see official peace, and the long-awaited reconciliation process would, at last, begin. It was so heartening to see people of all backgrounds genuinely be excited about this. It was amusing to see strangers run up to the first set of slanted eyes they saw and ask them their opinion on this incredible development. For a moment, all Asians were suddenly Korean! I remember having a discussion with several people not too long ago on this topic, and I said repeatedly, "I'll believe it when I see it." It just seemed too good to be true. Well, the news today seems to lean towards this being a complete pipe dream. For those of you who don't know, North Korea is postponing and potentially backing out of the peace negotiations because of joint ROK and US annual military exercises North Korea is calling, “preparation for invasion.” So, for all of you who fell for this, I am about to host a very friendly game of high stakes, no limit, Texas Hold 'Em poker. Please bring as much cash as possible and it's BYOB.

 

Some of you might not know this, but if you see the damn avatar on my intro page, the FB group page, and twitter, it will become clearly obvious I love Peanuts. No, dickhead, don't grab an epi pen and berate me for my insensitivity for even mentioning the word peanuts when I didn't know your child has a severe allergy. It's bad enough we all have to eat pretzels on an airplane instead of delicious peanuts because little Spencer 15 rows from me can't even have an angstrom of legume particles in the atmosphere. I meant the comic strip created by Charles Schulz. I relate far too much to Charlie Brown, I yearn for Snoopy's coolness, I'm jealous of Linus's compassion, and I adore Schroeder's devotion to his passion. There really is only one character whom I absolutely despise with a white-hot rage. And, that character is Lucy Van Pelt. How many times will Lucy pull the ball away leaving me, ummm, I mean Charlie Brown, to miss and fall on his back? Face it, Lucy van Pelt is a cunt. Remind you of anyone? Let's introduce you to the Korean Lucy: Kim Jong Un.

 

Like Lucy, Kim Jong Un is his own biggest fan. A megalomaniac of galactic proportions, he has famously developed legacies that make Paul Bunyan look like an emo pussy. The first time Kim Jong Un ever played golf, he supposedly got 9 holes-in-one. The entire country of North Korea believes this hook, line, and sinker! Now granted, there may not be any golf courses in North Korea, and the word golf sounds a lot like the word for masturbation, but still! You want to know how hard it is to get a hole-in- one on an actual golf course that isn't sloped downward and funneled into the green? Even then, this pudgy pile of shit would probably slice it 60 yards into the neighboring labor camp. Do you know how much money can be made on the PGA Tour? Eight times the GDP of North Korea!

 

Stories like this are read in the Western world and we just shake our head and laugh. How can an entire country be brainwashed with such lunacy? It's not just the golf mind you, it's the perfect bullseyes the first time he went shooting as a toddler. Yup, memorialized at a target range you can find the very first target that old Dead Eye put perfect x's in as a three-year-old. Every story has been inflated to ridiculousness. It's a fact that when Noah was building the ark, the guy upstairs might have inspired it, but he hired the naval architecture firm of Kim Jong Un's Excellent and Perfect Boat Company. Their slogan: "You WILL like this boat" followed by a menacing cocking of a hammer.  

 

In the PC world of the US, people feel a desperate need to have a follow up question to ask me when they discover my answer of being Korean. Typically, it will almost always be “Are you from the North, or the South?” This is an alarming indicator that many Americans literally have read no news since 27 July 1953. To the best of my knowledge, there are about 140 North Koreans living in the US. This is an incredibly small number. While the odds are in the "very, very, very, very slightly possible" category that the person you're asking at Houlihan's in Framingham, MA, who just ordered an mozzarella sticks in flawless English, just might be one of them. You actually have a higher probability of meeting someone who genuinely thinks making a show about Cobra Kai is a really good idea. You, as an American, Canadian, or a Western European, or anyone who isn't Chinese, Russian, or currently living in South Korea, have currently an absolutely zero chance of meeting a North Korean. So, stop asking. We'd prefer you pull out an equally stupid question from your bag of Cultural Ignorance like, "Do you know my dry cleaner?"

 

Being so genetically similar to a people in a country who can't even turn their lights on at night isn't the greatest feeling in the world. I remember the dirty looks I used to get in high school when we were studying Pearl Harbor in history class. A. I wasn't even alive at that time. B. Koreans hated the Japanese more than the Americans! C. Do you not see the Hawaiian shirt I'm wearing and my pineapple soda I'm drinking? Aloha, bitches!  So, it doesn't exactly thrill me that the next military conflict sending our men and women from the military in harm's way might be because some tubby maniacal taint stain wants to prove how awesome his leadership skills are. I'm also thinking a conflict with North Korea would probably make my social life in East Texas a little more nighttime oriented, where the darkness will hopefully lead the good old boys here to think I'm a Mexican. Which, candidly down here, actually might be worse. But being a Korean American here, if war ever broke out would definitely mean we're doubling up on our Blue Apron orders as we'd be doing a lot of eating in.

 

I really hope at some point simple common sense will win and the people of North Korea can join the rest of the civilized world and understand there is a reason the PGA has never invited KJU to the Masters. I hope all the concerns about a conflict are just the nervous extrapolations of alarmists like myself. I hope I can see sustainable peace and prosperity on the Korean peninsula in my lifetime. I hope the tugging at my heart that I felt while watching the unified Korea Olympic team march into PyeongChang will be followed by many more occurrences. If and when that day comes, I'm sure we'll be able to find work for someone who is as talented as KJU. I hear Charlie Brown needs a new kicking holder on Lucy's off days...

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