The outrage du jour today on the KAD (Korean American Adoptee) page and other places was Sandra Bullock's secret skin cream treatments. At $650 a pop, EGF (Epidermal Growth Factor) is the new wunder-cure all the celebrities are either using, or will soon start. Some creams get their EGF from a most interesting source: male Korean foreskins harvested at infancy. A lot of people are up in arms about this, but as an Asian male, I immediately came to a very sad and interesting conclusion. Korean penises will never be more desired by society than at infancy. My wife suddenly perked up at hearing how in demand Korean foreskins were and I got very uncomfortable when she started staring at a certain region of my body, and then got really worried when she started rubbing her hands together in plotting glee. I started looking for a divorce attorney when she went to the kitchen and started sharpening a knife. If you can picture a grown man running around the living room shouting, "I'm not an infant!!!!" being chased by a money-crazed redhead trying to cash in on the most recent trend, you know now how I spent Thursday night. Actually, all she did was ask if I would give mine up for $2,000,000. A nanosecond later, I replied, "Absolutely." We like to play a game where we start going down in price to see how low someone will go. She got down to 2 tickets to see the All Blacks play in New Zealand. Hey, what can I say, I'm a devoted fan. I got praised for my integrity recently, and all I could think of was how little they knew of my All Blacks obsession. That's right Mario, would you sacrifice part of your body to see Real Madrid play in Bernabeu Stadium? I call your birthday cake and raise you one foreskin, fucker!
$650 a treatment is quite expensive. I am perfectly willing to charge C and D list celebrities $295, and I will rub Korean foreskin cells all over their faces. Oh, it's not the same thing from a 43-year-old man? Shit, I was just about to rent out some office space in LA and look into franchise opportunities. This seemed to me to have more legitimacy than my other business idea, renting out Han Mu to KAD parents to help scare their kids into stop searching for their biological parents. I just finished a blog post about this that is so awful if there was any doubt I was going to imaginary hell, it's pretty much confirmed I have priority boarding on the flight. I mean, it's bloody hilarious, but I'm firmly convinced that what I wrote should be like the Holy Grail. You hear whispers it exists, but there is a sworn secrecy to never divulge its whereabouts.
Back to the cock cream. Who the fuck thought of this?!?!?! And, why Korean babies?!?!? And how awesome is it that it apparently is incredible in efficacy! That's right, Sweden! Taste it, Australia! KOREAN KOCK KREAM is where it's at. For the first time in my life, I get to brag about Korean penises. The fact that they are infant penises is a little weird, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. And, speaking of beggars...
One of the prime directives of this blog is to increase societal perception of Asian men. You get to read amusing things from an Asian guy who thinks like you, acts like you, and gosh darn it, fucks like you. Because currently, Asian males are about as desirable as leper vomit. Throughout my years, I got to feel like Neil Armstrong when various partners would tell me I was their first Asian experience. The fact that they were pleasantly surprised does not speak to any Casanova qualities on my part. I personally feel I'm incredibly lousy in the sack. No, it has to do with astoundingly low expectations on their part. You know, sometimes racism can actually work in your favor! But for the most part, I still feel remarkably invisible to society. The cold hard truth is that in order to get to those intimate moments, I had to dress better, be wittier, more successful, drive a better car, have a better job title, be more athletic, and have a lot more amazing facial cream in storage than all of the other guys. I mean, come on, guys that wear Affliction t-shirts and are drinking red bull and vodkas have the pick of the litter. An aspiring rapper might as well get his condoms from Costco because he'll need hundreds of them just for one week. You ever hear women when they see a picture of Enrique Iglesias (He's half Asian, shitbags!)? The Hoover Dam can't contain their fluid releases of arousal. But, John Cho? Radio silence. Crickets. Hey, look, a tumbleweed just went by! I'd sacrifice my right arm to look like John Cho. And, he's NEVER EVER EVER EVER going to be named People Magazine's Sexiest Man.
There is no demographic less represented in desirability than Asian men. What is the 13% statistic in the title of this post? Only 13% of Korean American Adoptee women have married, or partnered with an Asian. 50% of Korean American Adoptee men have Asian wives, or partners. 37% of all Asian women will marry outside their race. 16% of Asian men will. No other race has a higher statistic, except Native Americans. Asian Women far outpace any other demographic of marrying outside their race. It's not even close. Of the Asian countries, only Japanese women outpace Korean women for not marrying their own ethnicity. And in concept, interracial marriage is a wonderful thing. Hell, I'm in one. But, looking at these statistics is a gut punch to my self-esteem that someone who looks like me is being rejected today by someone else who sort of looks like me. I hear very loud voices chiming in at the injustice of fetishizing Asian women. It practically overwhelms the blogosphere and most definitely the KAD community. If you even dare mention that being invisible is a really terrible thing, in less than a minute you will have dozens of angry responses that Asian women have it just as tough. I didn't know it was a contest, but apparently it is. And as an Asian American male, we're getting our fucking asses kicked. Not just by Hollywood, the media, white people, black people, Hispanic people, but also by Asian people. Asian women will protest that it isn't their fault at all, but the numbers don't fucking lie. You don't get to march out numbers that work in your favor and then say the ones that make you look like shit aren't applicable. Double standards are over.
How do you think we're made to feel that, for the most part, we just aren't wanted? I have been in places with a good looking white guy, a good looking black guy, a good looking Hispanic guy, and me. We used to joke we looked like a fucking Gap commercial. The females would invariably come around. You know who got consistently ignored? Even waitresses would look almost annoyed when it came time to take my order. The only time I would get any remotely possible interest that could be identified as flirting was when it came time to pay the bill. Guess who was paying? Oh yeah, the guy whose drink order you could barely remember to take. All of a sudden you can flash a smile at me? I'm not stupid. Remember, I'm fucking Asian.
We don't know what it's like to get cat called. We don't know what it's like to have a large number of women only interested in dating someone like us. We don't know what it's like to have positive role models on the big screen, or on television that aren't in martial arts. We don't know what it's like to have a Missed Connections ad written about us in Craigslist. So, yeah, if Korean baby penises are in big demand right now, I gotta take it. Because God only knows, if those boys ever make it over to the United States, they are going to need a very different kind of lotion. And lots of Kleenex.
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