Ok, boys and girls. I've come to a pretty depressing conclusion. A daiquiri does not taste the same when the ice melts no matter how much more rum you put in it. In fact, it makes it much, much worse. Although, rum itself is pretty damn annoying when you think about it. Rum is the hot rod tricycle of drinking. I feel there is a direct correlation to how physically attractive you are and how acceptable it is to drink rum. If you are Halle Berry, I think you should have a lifetime supply of Bacardi or Captain Morgan sitting in your closet. Drink away, hot stuff. In fact, she could be drinking Everclear and I wouldn't even notice. I'd be too busy pulling up the Swordfish scene on my phone and looking back and forth from the screen to her chest and seeing if there's any difference. However, if you're my oil change mechanic at Jiffy Lube and I see you at the bar later sporting a rum and coke, I'm gonna go completely “The View” on your ass and dissect your entire existence to the circle of people around me and overanalyze your poor life decisions. I'll probably conclude your community college ass didn't have enough frat parties to go to and you just really don't like drinking, but you really want to. Apparently, I'm not alone because these are some comments from bartenders about people who drink rum and cokes: "People who drink rum and Coke are bores in bed." Yikes. Maybe, I should start drinking rum and coke? If the shoe fits... Here's another one, "People who order rum and Coke have read fewer than 10 books in their lives." Guys, I'm not saying this, this is the gospel according to the bartender who has to put up with your dumbass ordering this drink. And lastly, "Rum and Cokes are for my dad's creepy friend." This is why I try and not be friends with any parents. I don't ever want to be that guy.
You know the only thing worse than a rum and coke? Rum and Sprite. Fuck you. Seriously. Go back to your Etsy workshop and make your dumbass kitten butthole t-shirts. Or, at least have the balls to drink a Zima. They're back. Just for you. You can spare the bartender the humiliation of creating such a vile concoction. IF you had any class at all, you'd order a mojito. But then again, you'd probably be the guy who orders a mojito in February when it's snowing outside. But nooooo, you're the person who insists on wearing socks and sandals to the bar hoping that girl who may, or may not be 6 months pregnant takes a fancy to the image you're projecting. She's all yours, Chief. Have fun on your first date at Sonic.
Why do I hate rum so much? Honestly, I couldn't tell you. It's like meeting a person and you just instantly want to punch them. Don't get me wrong, I love a good mojito on a hot summer day. Do you hear that, Kenny? A HOT SUMMER DAY. Not when the bar is about to close early because of Snowmageddon, you chooch. Planter's Punch, or a Hurricane is good if you happen to be at Pat O'Brien's because when in Rome and all that other touristy bullshit. I’ll tell you what. Here is the only way I think it's okay to drink rum. If you are missing a leg, have an eye patch, and a parrot is sitting on your shoulder. That's right. If you are a veterinarian specializing in birds who suffered through a horrible disfiguring accident resulting in partial amputation with the loss of an eye, you, Sir or Madam, have earned the right to drink whatever the fuck you want. If you want to drink a Grasshopper made with Malort, go for it. You thought I was going to say pirate, didn't you? Didn't we just talk last week about what happens when you assume? Point proven again that you assumed, and you truly do look like a majestic dickhead.
Back to punchable faces and my strong dislike for rum. I think it falls back to party etiquette. If I'm going to go to party, I'm going to provide something almost everyone can appreciate. I'm not going to bring what I want to drink. It's not my party, dickhole. I can drink single malt scotch at home. I can select many different kinds of champagne from the comfort of my kitchen. I don't have to be a pretentious arrogant jizzbiscuit trying to be better than everyone else. I can do that completely sober. You know what is a nice party contribution? A case of Yuengling lager. A big bottle of bourbon. Bourbon is basically rum that grew up and decided to move out of their parents' basement. I don't like it too much, but like I said, it isn't about you when you bring something to a party. A bottle of Jameson will set the tone quite nicely. You showing up with your irritating white bottle of Malibu means you don't intend to share because, trust me, no one else wants to drink suntan lotion, Becky. And, I guarantee you don't show up with the Coke. You probably bought Dr. Thunder, or whatever else Wal-Mart had on sale nine minutes earlier. And because you brought something no one else wants to drink, that makes you a pretty shitty person. Although, yout taking that 97th selfie still doing duck face is a pretty obvious indicator of that as well.
So, there you have it. Rum is for selfish assholes. That's why pirates drank so much of it. They are the poster children for what it means to be a selfish asshole. Now, I happen to know for a fact Red Bull and vodka drinkers are also selfish assholes, but they have that irritating level of slick douche combined in it as well, which just makes it that much more fun to accidentally burn their stupid Affliction t-shirt. But, the selfish asshole who drinks rum is a little bit worse because they are so dim and unaware they don't even realize what they are. And, that's just inexcusable. Speaking of being excused, you'll have to pardon me. I need to go open a bottle of Diplomático Reserva Exclusiva. That daiquiri isn't going to drink itself, you know.