Bilbo, Frodo, and Me

Ok, boys and girls, I'm back! Last week was brutal due to things like moving, work, school all converging massive requirements at the same time. Maybe I'm in the eye of the hurricane, but things are calm enough that I can actually take some time to address the blog. The following is an assignment that I had to submit to my Rhetoric and Composition class. I had to write about an unpopular opinion I have. It started out as a well intentioned essay that quickly devolved into my normal sarcastic self. How ironic is it that my least favorite and successful class this term is a writing one? I hope you enjoy!

One of the happiest days of the year for most people is their birthday. Birthday celebrations are centered around being in the spotlight and receiving gifts. It seems to be very open for interpretation regarding what constitutes a gift. My grandparents felt that the best gifts to give an adolescent boy were socks and underwear. These are also the same people who thought that peach schnapps was a gateway drug to crystal meth, so you can get a good idea of their mental state. If memory serves me correctly, the birthday tighty-whitey gift giving ritual began around fifth grade and continued until I convinced them that Fruit of the Loom was a gateway brief into becoming a Chippendale.

Now knowing this, it should come as no surprise to you that I believe that instead of getting presents on your birthday, you should instead have to give presents to other people. Nothing ruins a birthday like getting stuff that you don't want. It's YOUR day, so instead, why not give lousy things to other people that THEY definitely don't want? I could be altruistic here and talk about how giving something nice to the people who created you and helped you celebrate another year on this planet is the right thing to do. I could be touching and heartfelt and mention that honoring people truly important to you is a more appropriate method of celebration than going to Birthday-hana (Side note tangent: am I the only person who goes to Benihana on days that aren't my birthday? Because it sure as hell feels like it. I'd enjoy my hibachi meal a lot more if it wasn't constantly being interrupted by the Japanese version of "Hey, let's all circle around and pretend that we give a shit!") I could be touching, heartfelt, and altruistic, but we all know those attributes really aren't hard wired in my DNA.

Many people depend on receiving birthday presents to supplement their lifestyle. Those that are more direct and ask for money get to pay their rent, car insurance, LASIK surgery, or any other comforts that cold, hard cash provides. Other people, like myself, always need a ton of Yankee Candles that they will never, ever light and will probably regift come Christmas time for the Secret Santa exchange. Both groups of people I have mentioned will definitely not be huge advocates of this concept. Almost everyone else is somewhere moderately in the middle of these two groups, and all of you pretty much hate this idea as well. That is probably because you grew up in a normal household and family where you received age appropriate presents. Around high school, the charade was over, and my grandparents didn't even bother wrapping the underwear anymore. Coincidentally, I also stopped trying to find ways to passively aggressively tell them why they were lousy grandparents. I know the idea of giving other people gifts on your birthday is an immensely unpopular proposition because the only group of people I could find that would support this aren't even real. Apparently, Hobbits celebrate their birthdays by giving others gifts. I always liked Hobbits because they refused to wear shoes. I now have an even better reason to like them. This is tempered by my immense dislike of Hobbits because they inspire people to make homemade armor and pretend that the Best Buy parking lot is Middle Earth. I kind of feel I missed the train on the whole Hobbit thing. I liked Hobbits during a time where if that was discovered, it got you either beat up, ostracized, or your head shoved in a toilet. Now, if you like Hobbits, you're mainstream. If you told me when I was in 4th grade that women in the future would happily go to the movies with you to watch a film about fucking Hobbits, I would have laughed my ass off and tried to sell you the new Transformer that came out that went from robot into an off brand Trapper Keeper. I could not find any other biologically tangible people groups on this planet that agree with Bilbo Baggins and me. This is because humanity is a selfish collection primarily preoccupied with their own happiness instead of properly focusing on how to make others miserable, too. In conclusion, should you, my dear classmates (and now edited to include my dear readers), find yourself receiving in the mail on August 11th this year a package consisting of an authentic Duck Dynasty duck call, please have the common courtesy to call me and wish me a happy birthday. You can even come hang out with me at Benihana -- on August 12th.

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