Happy Anniversary, Douche Whisperer!

July 2, 2018

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Well, today, 2 July, is my wedding anniversary. It's an odd feeling being 43 and celebrating two years of marriage. It feels like such a puny number. If I had stayed married the first time, I would be celebrating my 23rd wedding anniversary. That sounds better, but celebrating wouldn't be the correct term. If I was still with my first wife, I am 100% convinced we would be observing our anniversary with a rousing round of oral sex. "Fuck you," she would tell me. I would respond, "Fuck you, too," and then I'd run off to the closest place that she'd been banned from entering -- which would most likely be any other building beside our home. My first wife is to a kind person as Cheetos are to gourmet food. You think I'm kidding, but go read Chan Ho Fisher - Professional Autographer if you want to get a better idea of how I feel. Sometimes you experience a trauma that takes years to get over. I got divorced in 2001 and I did not get remarried until 2016. Honestly, I should have married the Sane One years ago, but I really wanted to make sure that I wouldn't embark on divorce number two. As I said yesterday on the way to the drive to Dallas, in regards to divorce, "Been there, done that, she took the t-shirt." No more divorces for me.

 

I think my biggest regret about adoption is that it permanently altered how I perceive trust. I think many of us that are adopted become fundamentally distrusting and we try and push people away before they can leave us yet again. I know that in many ways, when my wife first met me, I was probably about as skittish as they come. I was also essentially a romantic bug zapper. I would lure women into the light with mechanisms of charm, wittiness, and unique experiences. And then ZAP! I'd fry them with high volts of indifference, instability, and generally shitty actions. I think back to the needless pain and suffering I caused a lot of women. If I had the funds and the spiritual willpower, I would probably go on a global apology tour, but I'm sure I would need to book stadium sized venues and I just don't have the courage to be pelted by rotten tomatoes every single night for a year. None of those poor ladies are reading this blog, so I can't even use this opportunity to offer a mass apology and tell them that they all deserved better. But they really did. 

 

I'm not painting a very flattering picture of myself, and that is because I don't think that I can be viewed in a very flattering light. That doesn't speak volumes for my wife's selection skills in spouses, does it? However, I think she's very happy with her choice because she did what no one else could have done. She was constant. I tried pushing her away, but to no avail. I've said before that I was like a wild horse. I would flit into the pasture but the second I got uncomfortable, I bolted back to the forest. She patiently held her hand out, very still. One day it would have to oats of friendship in it. Another day it would have an apple of intimacy. On special days the hand held the carrot of blow jobs. My wife was a real life douche whisperer. Little did she know that it would take years to finally domesticate me and have me trot into the barn of commitment. I think I pretty much exhausted this analogy, don't you?

 

The traditional gift for a second anniversary is allegedly cotton. So we went and replaced the old Restoration Hardware towels with new Restoration Hardware towels. Who said romance is dead? I'd have loved to have taken her to Egypt, Turkey, China, India, or Greasy Corner, Arkansas. What do all of those places have in common? Those are regions where cotton is actually grown. But my wife picked a guy that can't afford to take her to Egypt AND book the global apology tour. What makes my wife a special person is that she'd just shrug her shoulders and offer to be the bus driver on the tour to help save some money. Hell, she knows the tour stops better than I do. And in doing so, she would do what she does best. Take lousy situations and make them enjoyable. Happy Anniversary, Carianne! I hope that you know that you took a lousy situation of my not fitting in anywhere and turned it into as long as I got you by my side and a roof over our heads, I'm exactly where I need to be. Home. 

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