Hanarrhea - It's a Thing!

July 13, 2018

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So we previously discussed an untranslatable concept from Wales called hiraeth. I’m sure a native Welshman would shake their head and declare that my effort in explaining it was cute, but that I completely missed the mark. Just like their dentist completely missed the mark on adequate dental care. I’m not really sure why that inspires me to tackle another untranslatable concept except for the fact that I read an article at an incredibly coincidental time and I was so astounded that I knew I had to share it with all of you.

 

Guess what? Koreans can get so mad that they die. I know this because yesterday, I had an unpleasant experience and I was so irritated that the light at the end of the tunnel was appearing and then BOOM! said article appeared on my phone that showed me that I'm not going nuts. I'm not going nuts because I am ALREADY nuts. Apparently I am genetically a couple sandwiches short of a picnic just by being Korean. Now this is where it gets a little confusing. There is a belief that the thousands of years of Korea holding the title of Asia's Most Fun Country to Invade and Pillage has really started to take its toll on the national psyche. There is spiritual carryover from the moment of birth. This explains why I love country music so much, because it was probably playing at my birth. It makes the current K-Pop sensation so strange to me, because most of the songs that I have partially heard seem incredibly upbeat, and that just isn't the Korean way. Well, it isn't the TRUE Korean way. The true Korean way is to lament our existence and dwell on things that happened thousands of years ago. We're basically like women in relationships -- never letting anything go and unable to enjoy the current happiness because of shit that happened that isn't even relevant to what the situation is today. 

 

This feeling is so common that they had to name it. It is called han. According to Wikipedia, han is a:

 

     feeling of unresolved resentment against injustices suffered, a sense of helplessness   

     because of the overwhelming odds against one, a feeling of acute pain in one's guts and

     bowels, making the whole body writhe and squirm, and an obstinate urge to take revenge

     and to right the wrong—all these combined.

 

This strangely sounds exactly like how I feel when my wife makes me watch 90 Day Fiance, so maybe han isn't so untranslatable after all. Go watch this stupid embarrassing excuse for television programming and tell me that after about 7 minutes of it you don't feel exactly the way han is described above. 

 

Delving even deeper, apparently there is also this term called kimchi rage. This is when Koreans, harnessing their huge reserves of stored han, explode with anger. I don't think this is untranslatable either, as this is what I experience every time I go golfing. Someone would probably chime in that, no, that isn't han, that's you being a ridiculous asshat that unnecessarily needs to throw putters into bodies of water. And please stop smashing the windmill on "Hole" 6. Children are crying. I was reading comments yesterday regarding this anger, and holy moly, a lot of people possess this kimchi rage. It made me feel better, and the bad news is that I am now going to use this as an emotional crutch every time someone chastises me for losing my temper. I will tell them that their racial insensitivity is definitely not appreciated and that I am merely expressing a more esoteric aspect of my biological culture. I am not a dick for being furious that Hot Pockets aren't on sale. My ancestors are dicks for allowing themselves to get conquered so many times that it has resulted in my not being able to conduct myself in a civil manner. 

 

Anyway, back to this article, yes, it has in fact been documented that some Koreans get so mad and apply their han so well, that they just die. Not from a heart attack, not from an aneurism, not from a stroke. Just a massive hanjury that shuts down all body functions. It's happened enough times that it is a medically accepted way of dying. I really hope that this doesn't catch on too much here in the US, because I really don't want hanarrhea to be categorized as a pre-existing condition, because then I'd be denied health care, get really angry, and then die proving why insurance companies were smart to categorize it as a pre-existing condition in the first place. And then thousands of years later, future Koreans will be mad at that injustice. Holy cow, we're sort of fucked. Han sucks. 

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