What the Fuck is Up with Ohio?

July 20, 2018

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Oh, the Buckeye state. I have so many reasons to loathe you. Starting from the most efficient state police highway patrol ticketing system of all time to the worst school in the Big 10 when it comes to annoying pronunciations of the school names, Ohio is a pretty lousy state. I personally hope that it gets sold to the Russians by the Republicans in some private deal that I'll get to watch be told in agonizing detail on MSNBC in a couple of months. My animosity toward Ohio started by growing up in Pennsylvania. I don't know why I don't hate New York, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, and West Virginia as much as I hate Ohio. I just don't. The only thing I hate more than Ohio is Western Pennsylvania. I believe that Pennsylvania ends at Harrisburg. Everything west of that I call East Ohio. Have you BEEN to Pittsburgh? Ughhh. It reeks of Buckeye all over it. However, if there is one thing that I admire, it is consistency. And I have to give you credit, Ohio, you consistently give me very solid reasons to hate you. 

 

Today I hate you for your residents - particularly two residents. The first flaming pile of jizzbiscuits is a former high school classmate of my wife. Apparently he was kind of a prick back in the day, but this turdburglar has elevated his assholery to legendary status. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's a bully. What is even worse is an ignorant bully. World, please meet the poster child of ignorant bullies, Roger. In Roger's spare time, his favorite activity is to go be an agitator on his classmates Facebook profile pages and offer condescending and incorrect perspectives on posts. Uniformly conservative in nature, defender of any actions no matter how illegal, unethical, or morally wrong they are, Roger almost always resorts to name calling. Libtards, snowflakes, safe spacers, etc., all of these names have been profusely mixed in with the whataboutism that is now conservative doctrine. Not only does Roger insult his former classmates, he also loves to instigate issues with completely erroneous facts and statements that he claims to be true. When called out on this by actual, real truth, do you know what Roger does? He fucking ghosts. He doesn't respond. He only picks on the weaker kind that he feels he can intellectually dominate. Do you know what the difference is between Roger and a bucket of shit? The bucket. That's it. He has become borderline legendary for his immature instigation and multiple people have blocked him. Hey Derek, you flaming hypocrite, you're calling Roger names. You're no better than he is. Guess what, wise guy, I call EVERYONE names! You should hear the awful names I call my wife when I'm in a loving mood. My darling poop skillet springs to mind. I'm consistent. I don't target one specific group. Well, I guess I do. All of humanity.

 

Anyway, speaking of my wife, today she got in a discussion online about the police shooting in Chicago. For as smart as my wife is, she sure can do dumb things sometimes, and she should have known that "discussing" something like this on a conservative's page is really, really, really ill advised. And sure enough, a resident from Ohio starts chiming in and providing the typical conservative talking points. Which in of itself, is fine and dandy. What isn't fine and dandy is the decision this guy had to post an incorrect picture of the victim in a less than flattering light. It wasn't the guy! When called out by my wife that it wasn't the victim, this fucking guy won't remove the post. After admitting that the picture he provided was wrong, he wanted to leave it up there, fully knowing that it was prejudicial and inaccurate. He finally takes it down but spends needless minutes trying to find another picture that will show the victim in an equally negative light. Then this guy who has never lived in Chicago tries to lecture my wife, who worked in Cook County Juvenile Detention about why there is so much gang violence in Chicago. Sorry, Fox News, but you guys just don't have your fucking facts straight. And yeah, I worked on the South Side for years. I know a little bit more about Chicago violence than you, Sean Hannity. 

 

The fact that he removed the post with the wrong picture is a small victory for my wife. Don't put shit up that isn't true, because my wife will research the ever living fuck out of it and call you out on your inaccuracy. I think the only thing my wife loves more than me and the dogs is being right. She still has to learn that key lesson in life which is that, as a wife, she is automatically always right, no matter what. This frustrates the hell out of her, because she wants to always be legitimately right and will go to great pains to prove it. 

 

Folks, here is the bottom line. Do a little research. Double check your sources before distributing shit online. It isn't that hard. If you want to learn how, contact my wife. She's brilliant at it. But we cannot follow the Nazi doctrine of repeat a lie enough times until it becomes the truth. If you insist on doing that, move to Ohio so that at least we know that all of you are in one place. And don't speed. 

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