I Got A Puffy Red Vagina

October 16, 2018

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Yeah, you read that correctly. I'll pause for a moment for you to ponder just where the hell this is going and what it has to do with adoption. You might need a moment to really think this one through. While you are waiting, I'll multitask and figure out what I need to get at the grocery store later:

 

- new pepper mill

- Italian cold cuts for sub sandwiches

- giardiniera (hey Chicago readers, this would be a really nice Christmas present for yours truly!)

- tomatoes

- Diet Pepsi - speaking of Diet Pepsi, the Sane One thinks it's surprising that I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. She says not a lot of guys love diet sodas. Thoughts on this? 

- coffee pods

- cage free eggs

- kimchi-flavoured ramen noodle soup

 

Ok, I've delayed as long as I could. I'm guessing you still haven't figured it out. And no, it isn't about the season opening episode of South Park, although that was really, really good in my opinion. Nope, the puffy red vagina belongs to the newest addition to our house. Remember Kiri? The dog that sort of picked us to live with? It should have come as no surprise to us, since she wasn't chipped, didn't have tages or even a collar, and had hookworms when we found her, but it turns out that Kiri was not spayed. When we brought her in for her checkup, it was uncertain whether she was or not, and we were instructed to wait and see if she came into heat. Well, she definitely has. In a very puffy, very large, and very red way. I have not had the experience of ever being around a dog in heat, so this is all completely new to me. Two months from now when this whole process has completed, we're going to take her in and her reproductive days will be officially over. I've learned a lot of things that I really wish I didn't know about our dog. For example, Kiri has 9 nipples. Not 8, not 10, but 9. I'm sure the tech people at Google are going to love that question when they go over all the questions that people ask. "Hey Google, how many nipples do dogs have?" It ranks right up there with "Ok, Google, are babies really getting herpes from bris ceremonies?" - Answer: yes, yes they are.

 

Anyway, now that you have that awful fact in your head, let's get back to the situation at hand. Our dog bleeding everywhere and her two brothers' enthusiasm for their new favourite hobby:  canine cunnilingus. They're just bloody insatiable. Pun intended, ha ha ha. The good news is that without Pango and Ranga's diligent salivary attention to Kiri's Sex Cyclops, there would be even more blood all over our bed, sheets, sofa, carpet, chairs, and chandelier (don't ask). I never thought I would consider getting diapers for a dog, but I've ruled that possibility out because of the high risk of accidentally touching that area trying to put the diaper on her. Allegedly it's slightly less puffy and angry than it was on Friday. Friday I thought our female dog was hung better than Ron Jeremy, it was so distended and protruding. For some dumb reason, one of her nicknames is "Kir-balls." This nickname was given pretty soon after her arrival in our home. I never expected to see a demonstration of what Kir-balls actually look like, but now I know, and I really wish I didn't.

 

Not to be all Bob Barker-y, but for the love of cheese sandwiches, people, please spay and neuter your pets. It's now super cheap and convenient and it spares a lot of future owner discomfort and also prevents even more dogs and cats that will just end up in shelters. Which brings me to how I am going to tie this into adoption. Our dogs have not been the easiest creatures to live with. This past Saturday, we got to come home after a long day and evening from Therapet's Totally Unleashed event to rooms filled with diarrhea, urine, and vomit, or as I like to call it, a German Porn Trifecta. In Ranga's puppy phase, he easily destroyed over 40 pairs of our shoes. He also chewed many appliance power cords. Pango loves to tear open trash bags and spread the contents as evenly throughout the house as possible. And I have to close the office door when I leave because Kiri loves to eat my textbooks. They are, at times, a very frustrating caretaking experience. It's pouring outside, which means my little princesses refuse to get their paws wet. This means that when I come home from Trivia tonight, we'll probably have Round 2 of cleaning disgusting bodily fluids from our things. We put up with all of these things because of the joy that they give us. When the three dogs are on the bed with my wife and I, all the problems in the world seem to be forgotten for a magical moment as all that we can sense is love and happiness. The pros definitely outweigh the cons.

 

I think sometimes people have an idealized expectation about what parenting is. No, your kids will not be perfect all the time. You may want to resort to many glasses of wine to just get through some moments that your children will put you through. And kids, your parents are not Ward and June Cleaver. They're going to fuck up and probably just as much as you do. We tend to hold the people closest to us to a hypocritical standard that is, simply, unfair. Why do we get to mess up but our parents or children don't? The fact is, maybe we should just all take a step back for a moment and just give each other a break. One of my favourite songs of all time is Savage Garden's "Affirmation." Lyrically, it is an incredible song. The line that I love the most is "I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do." That lyric helped me understand many things about my childhood. Before that song, there were things that I felt I was owed an apology for. After that song, I learned how to let it go. 

 

Adoption is like the checkup at the vet. We didn't know if Kiri would go into heat or not. My parents didn't if I would be a non-confirming snide little jizzbiscuit or not. Well, she is, and I was. But those are not the memories and experiences that define our relationships. As soon as this post is done, I'm going to call my mom and we're going to bitch and moan about how poorly Penn State played this past weekend and gripe about new dirty Republican tactics on voter suppression. While I do that, Kiri will be curled up at her favourite place to be, right at my feet. Yeah, she may be in heat and bleeding everywhere, but she's still my little girl and the look of love that she constantly gives me makes it all worth it. We can't have all good and it almost never is all bad. Unless her hoo-ha touches my feet, then it's definitely all bad. And puffy. And red. Come on, two months, get here as fast as you can!

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