What the Fuck Do I Do With My Hair?

October 22, 2018

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Ok, so I've been watching a lot more Korean TV shows and movies lately. What I've come to realize is that there are lots of Koreans with some pretty cool hairstyles. I am at an age where if I don't enjoy my hair now, I probably won't be able to for very much longer. I have worn my hair short and spiky for almost my entire adult life. I figured that if I were going to tinker with a new look, I have a couple of years left to do so before it all goes away or turns grey. I suppose I should be thankful that at 44 my hair is only now starting to show signs of gray with only a few interspersed throughout. So around my birthday in August, I decided I would grow it out and see what new look I could pull off. My hair is probably the longest it has ever been, which means I can pull some of it down past my nose. I'd have to say that my hair is going through a very awkward phase as I try and figure out what the hell I'm going to do with it. I've categorized my hair options as follows:

 

Totally Bald - Some people look totally badass bald. Others look like disgruntled Buddhist monks. Guess which category I would fall into? I've shaved my head a couple of times in the past, and while people say that it's not a bad look, I think these are the same people who would have told William Howard Taft that he needed to "lose a few pounds." You know the worst part about intentionally going bald? The period afterward when you decide to grow your hair back. I would have several months where people would end up thanking me for my service in the military and wonder how old new recruits are in today's military. I don't want to be accused of stolen valour, so I guess shaving my head is definitely out.

 

Samurai style - I think the knot on the top of the head counts as a manbun. As I am not David Beckham or a hipster, I do not know if I have the credentials to really pull this look off. I have a strong suspicion that if I saw myself in the mirror sporting a manbun, I would, by law, have to kick my own ass. I am trying to think if I have any friends who wear manbuns, and I'm pretty sure that I don't have any, which is a fantastic indicator that I have good friends. However, with the new law that was passed in Texas legalizing the carring of swords, the temptation to walk around in a kimono with a katana and wakizashi swords would be pretty damn hilarious. Sadly, my rule of never wearing socks with sandals prevents me from attempting this look.

 

K-Pop - You know this look. This is the one with the shaggy, tousled bangs with sideburns so pointy that you could quilt with them. If you're really popular, you would dye your hair a frosted pink or lavender. I can't even do karaoke, so this look would probably cause me to be in many more uncomfortable situations with a microphone in my hand and desperately trying to remember how that damn Randy Travis song goes. This would cause any spectator's head to explode in confusion as to why a kpop star lookalike is singing old 80s country music and with the appropriate twang! It just would be too dangerous to society's rules to attempt, in my opinion.

 

Kim Jong Un - Unfortunately, the Sane One claims this is my current look. This might explain why I have not been out in public lately. I think, like the Hitler mustache, this image needs to be limited to only one person. As I am not a despotic ruler of a lunatic nation, I cannot have this look, even if Halloween is just around the corner. Although I certainly am getting fat enough and my face is getting rounder and rounder with each enormous Italian sub that I make. Here is a Gordian knot for you to untangle. Is Kim Jong Un a douchebag because he has the hairstyle that he does, or does the hairstyle make Kim Jong Un a complete fuck-knuckle? If you want to have a sleepless night, try to crack that conundrum.

 

Asian businessman - No, I do not want this hairstyle! Short on the sides with one part and the top combed over to one side, nothing says boring quite like this look. It's probably the one that I am going to go with unless anyone can come up with a better look.

 

I am now opening up this conversation to reader input and welcome any and all reasonable suggestions. Here are the requirements:

 

1. No frosted tips
2. No shaved patterns in my hair
3. No blonde hair
4. I cannot be asked to be an extra in a movie about the Mohawk nation
5. Punk rockers cannot ask me if I know how to play the guitar
6. I cannot grow a beard if my life depended on it. 
7. My next job will not be as a Chinese rickshaw puller
8. I am not in the Yakuza, nor do I own any shiny suits and pointed shoes
9. I don't know what is involved in getting a perm, and I intend to keep it that way
10. I am trying to save the environment, so anything that requires an entire can of hairspray to pull off is not cool. 

 

There you have it, those are the conditions. Go forth and internet research, readers and let me know the hairstyle that I am sure SuperCuts will totally botch and I'll post the carnage afterward.

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