Bad Santa 3: Staring Han Mu

December 21, 2018

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It should come as a surprise to none of you that my favourite Christmas movie is Bad Santa. I remember vividly the first time I saw a preview of the movie. It was like Hollywood finally understood me and made a movie that was just for me. Many people camp out in line to see the midnight premiere of a movie if the title has Star Wars, Harry Potter, or any ridiculous comic book character in it (except you, Deadpool, you are the anti-ridiculous). However, if you camp out to be the first to view a movie like Bad Santa, which I may or may not have done....well, let's just say that you probably don't get invited to many holiday parties. I'm not a total Xmas douchebag, I still watch a Christmas Story every year, mostly because I have no choice, as cable television has determined this is required viewing. And I watch Hallmark Christmas movies in July, October, November AND December, fuckers! And my second favourite Christmas movie is Love Actually 2: Brexit Boxing Day, where Jamie and Aurelia have to leave Britain because she is a Portugese national and cannot legally live in Britain. And Prime Minister David loses his coalition because of those Northern Irish twats and faces a vote of no confidence from his Scrogge like parliament. Rufus decides to end his infatuation with American girls because he discovers none of them have any clue of life outside US boundaries, and Billy Mack remakes a Christmas version of NWA's "Fuck the Police" by replacing "Fuck" with "Christmas." Believe it or not, no drugs of any sort were responsible for the previous three sentences. Shocking, I know.

 

ANYWAY, back to the cinematic masterpiece of Bad Santa. I mean, it has everything! Butt sex, vomit, racism, and a stereotypical Asian lady. What more do you need to get in the holiday spirit? The Sane One reminded me that they made a sequel, and I figured, hey, it won't be as good as the original, but I probably should see what Willie has been up to. As expected, it was ok, but I think the original was far better because the concept really has legs for only one movie before it starts getting a little stale. But it was a game effort and it made me wish that Billy Bob could play Willie forever and I could see what he would be like as an Easter Bunny or any other holiday requiring someone in costume that I'm too lazy to research for this post. The thing that resonated with me regarding Bad Santa 2 is just how shitty Willie's mother is and how a lot of who he is came from pretty horrific circumstances.

 

If I am going to think of pretty horrific circumstances, of course, my mind is going to not pass Go, not collect $200 and go straight to Han Mu. I started to feel a little guilty to comparing Han Mu to Willie's mother, but then I felt a little bit better when I realized that Han Mu unsuccessfully tried to kill me, too. I did have a good chuckle when I thought back to the moment when Han Mu told the translators that they were doing a bad job because "my demeanor completely changed." Yes, it was because of poor translation, and not the content of the words of homicide that we all had repeated multiple times to ensure there was no mistake in translation. I seem to recall that Kakao Chat translated his story of potential murder/suicide into "Ummmm...that's pretty messed up, dude." So no, it was not poor translation that changed my indifferent and condescending demeanor into one of blatant hostility and loathing. That was all you, buddy.

 

But, since this is supposed to be a warm holiday message and not a refresher course of Criminally Bad Ideas of Koreans, lets' get back to the gist of the message. Sorry to be a spoiler, but in Bad Santa 2, Willie learns that family is what he makes of it. He might have been dealt a bad hand, but ultimately it's his choice of who he lets in his life and who he doesn't. And so he accepts Thurman as part of his family and the ending has Willie potentially wiser and better for the experience. Adoption is the quintessential example of constructing your own family instead of dealing with what you have or cannot have. Sometimes it works out well, and sometimes it doesn't. A family has a biological origin in its meaning, but as society changes, perhaps this concept needs to change as well. The vast majority of us are happy and content with the members of our family and have no need or desire to change the composition of it. But for all the Willies out there that have become a product of some pretty terrible situations, our exposure to negative elements in our lives is now completely in our control. We decide the weight of importance that someone, biologically connected or not, has in our lives. I have now disconnected completely from every single biological connection that I have. My biological father and brother have zero presence in my life, and I'm completely at peace with it. I think I have a pretty terrific family, and some of you that are reading this I consider to be part of that network that I've constructed. Fabricated not out of genetic commonality, but a connection based on importance to me originating from respect, admiration, fondness, and love. None of those things are biologically exclusive. I have respect, admiration, fondness and love for my parents, who have vastly different genetic material than I do, yet they are my family. Blood might be thicker than water, but it doesn't have to be. Apparently, love might be thicker than blood. And thicker than water. Which is not a very thick material, come to think about it. Unless you're referring to the solid state of water, ice. That's pretty damn thick. Enough to go fishing on. I feel that the term needs a little clarification, because I don't think you can go fishing on frozen blood, but I'll be sure to let you know if I ever visit North Korea. But if it isn't frozen, water isn't very thick at all. Pudding is way thicker than water, yet you don't have any trite sayings about that, do you? And you know what is WAY thicker than pudding? Blood pudding. Full circle, folks! 

 

So many adoptees are seeking those bloodline connections. (I recently had some criticism that my writing seems to come from someone with ADHD, and you know what? I think they might have a point! But I would like to get serious for a moment and end this post with the following words.) And for those of you that are, my Christmas wish to you is that you find them. You get answers to your questions that have remained unsolved for far too long. For those of you who aren't seeking biological connections, my Christmas wish to you is that the family you have be infinitely better than the one that you have chosen not to explore. And for those of you who have nothing to do with adoption at all, my Christmas wish for you is that get a chance to deepen and strengthen your ties to your loved ones, biological or not, in a healthier way than Willie and Thurman do. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all. I'm going to go make some blood pudding as a Christmas present from the blog. You guys ok with O+?

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