The Book of Love vs A Better Place

You guys should all be familiar by now with Derek's Law Of Assumption: When you assume, you look like a dickhead. Don't be a dickhead. Well, I violated my own rule not too long ago. And I messed up in a pretty significant way. It was about my relationship with my wife. Now, to be fair, as a husband, I don't really know that much about my relationship with the Sane One, aka my wife. I know it's been a while since I've posted, so I have to reacquaint some of you with the blog lingo. My wife is referred to on this blog by her rightful title, The Sane One. Anyway, the reasons why I don't know that much are extensive. Let's see, we could start with the plethora of concussions that have made me one slippery fall from becoming a drooling Brett Favre. We can attribute a significant portion of cognitive loss to the massive amounts of recreational drug and alcohol use in my past for sure. But the biggest culprit to this is that, frankly, I'm a dude. And we don't perform nearly as well at remembering things about our relationship as well as the women in our lives do. Hell, the Sane One remembers my life before I met her better than I do now. But, there are some key elements that any husband can remember. One of them is what "our song" is. Right? Well, not so fast, buckaroo....

The song that played at our wedding (in a very horrible, wheezy and arthritic manner) was the song The Book of Love, originally written and performed by the Magnetic Fields, brilliantly covered by Peter Gabriel, and perfected by a lovely Irish lad by the name of Gavin James. The reason why this song was played by the worst amateur violist (huge red flag right there! Do you know why she selected the viola? Because nobody wants to play the damn viola! It's the GoBots of stringed instruments. There would be way too much competition if she wanted to audition for the Anderson Indiana Civic Amateur Amputee Orchestra if she played the violin or cello!) I have ever encountered is because I had thought for many, many years that this was our song. Ok, if we're going for full disclosure here, our song really is Billy Joel's You're My Home, but unfortunately that song was already taken by my brother and his wife at their wedding many years earlier, and there was no way in hell that I was going to copy him. Although, to be fair (please sing along Letterkenny style), here are some of the lyrics in You're My Home:

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike

Indiana's early morning dew

High up in the hills of California

Home is just another word for you

Dude! I grew up in PA. The Sane One is, unfortunately, a Hoosier. We got engaged in Napa for Christ's sake! If anyone has a claim to this song, it's totally us! But, alas, first come, first served. So the song that truly represents our relationship couldn't be used. However, I think that The Book of Love is an amazing consolation prize to have as "our song". So imagine my surprise a couple of weeks ago as we are cooking dinner together when the Sane One finally admits that, yeah, this isn't really our song. It's a song that I like, and it's nice and all, but she doesn't consider it to be the song that defines our union. After some scallions were unnecessarily chopped with extra vigor and plenty of superb profanities had left my lips, I realized that instead of standing there in disbelief, I should probably ask her what song she felt was "our song". She said that she felt that the Bruce Springsteen song Trapped was far more reflective of how she felt. Or maybe it was Huey Lewis and the News' Stuck With You. Ok, I'm kidding, it wasn't either one of those songs. Apparently it was an original song she had written herself called Hey Asshole, Load the Fucking Dishwasher The Way I've Told You a Million Times To Do So. We're pretty excited about the upcoming duet between Lizzo and Kacey Musgraves performing this wonderful, yet short ditty. Apparently it connects with both country and R&B genres. Strangely, men reacted very negatively to this song. Go figure. Here are some of the lyrics to this future chart buster:

You stupid douche

I'm tired of telling you things you should already know

If you'd fucking listen

That's not where the damn juice glasses go

Fine, I'll just do it myself.

It really is a catchy little horrible tune, isn't it? I had no idea the Sane One was so musically inclined. I should have known by witnessing her amazing air drumming skills. By the way, if this gets through her editing process, I'm gonna be absolutely gobsmacked. Ok, you guys probably already know by now that the song she selected was not the one she wrote. Instead, she felt that Rachel Platten's A Better Place was the song that best described our relationship. You know what is utterly infuriating? When you're unable to defend your position because you're presented with such a good argument. So, I stood there reflecting on the song that is very familiar to us, and it occurred to me that she actually might have a point. And then I thought it would make a really good adoption blog post. You're probably wondering what the hell this has to do with the price of rice in China, but here me out for a second. One of us thought The Book of Love was our song and the other thought that A Better Place was. Allow me to skillfully connect this to adoption.

For many of us, we have a very specific narrative of our adoption. Posts abound on the adoption groups about the disconnect that exists between the adoptees and the adopters about the whole process. But what if both versions are accurate? Why does it have to be one perspective or the other? It sows conflict and misunderstanding that the other perspective isn't the "true narrative". From my viewpoint, The Book of Love was our song. It's a great song and has so many wonderful points to communicate. From the Sane One's viewpoint, it's A Better Place, with its own terrific storytelling of what our union means. Now look, it's wonderful when all parties are on the same page and can agree that one thing is appropriately descriptive. But let's be real here. When it comes to adoption, that will almost never be the case. But just because you have one perspective about it doesn't mean that your parents' viewpoint is automatically invalidated. That isn't very fair, is it? Just because you believe with utter conviction that your story is the correct version, there is still absolute authenticity in the other side's beliefs as well. And you know what? Both can be wonderful and beautiful for different reasons. There doesn't have to be a winner, does there? But just so you guys know, our song is now officially A Better Place. I may be a forgetful husband, but I'm not a stupid one!

#musingsofaninternationaladoptee #internationaladoption #oursong #adoptionperspective