Ludicrosity Factor

You know what pisses me off? I have to explain to some of you I am not referring to hip hop right now emulating Christopher Brian Bridges. I am referring to ludicrous the adjective. The one most definitely found in all the “Fast and the Furious” movies. Fuck you, 80 mph Akula class submarine! Fuck you, Charlize Theron, as a dreadlocked villainess! Fuck you, Vin Diesel, for being...Vin Diesel! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, ludicrous and speed.

For a long time, I have had very, very fast cars. I loved my E36 Dinan M3 so much I shipped her to Barcelona when I lived there for almost four years and then shipped her back to the U.S. Her name was Centaine and she was incredible. The fastest Centaine had ever gone was 165 mph on a brand new highway in the south of France while I was headed up to my friend's family estate to assist in the vendange - which is French for pretentious bonesmoker. Actually, it's French for harvest. Grapes for wine. I'm re-reading the past sentences and am simultaneously envious at my own life, while deeply embarrassed for how much of a tool I sound like. ANYWAY, I insultingly digress! Back to the point! I have too much disposable income! No, that wasn't the point...oh yeah, ludicrosity factor! Ok, back on track. I like to go fast. I mean as fast as Ricky Bobby, or Cal Noughton, Jr. If I'm not going over 100 mph I'm really just kinda bored. We all should be on the same page right now.

I have paid a lot of money in speeding tickets. I mean like Ohio State troopers have invited me to their daughter's college graduations because I helped fund their child's education. I mean I am permanently memorialized via bronze statue in Tigerton, Wisconsin. I mean I have received a speeding ticket in: MN, WI, IL, OH, IN, PA, VA, NC, SC, GA, FL, LA, TX, TN, NJ, NY, and IA. I mean that I've been in court so many times that when stenographers ask me how my wife is doing,"85 beats per far!" is what I always respond back with. So, if I like to drive really, really fast, and I have had a lot of speeding tickets what is your point? And how are you going to turn this into international adoption?

Here's the thing. How many speeding tickets have I had for going over 100 mph? I do it all the time. I have had a ton of speeding tickets. The answer is: ZERO. For now. I just fucking jinxed myself. All of you bastards better be worth this valuable life lesson I'm giving to you for FREE. All my speeding tickets have been for things like 63 in a 60. True story, one time in Wisconsin near Wisconsin Dells, I got pulled over. The trooper asked me if I knew how fast I was going. I said, “I believe 60 mph?” He said, “That is correct.” He asked me if I knew what the speed limit was. I said "Isn't it 60?". He said, “That is also correct.” But, he wanted to let me know that Wisconsin State Troopers would pull me over if I was doing even one mile an hour over the speed limit and gave me a warning for "almost speeding". I swear to the great spaghetti monster in the sky that is true. “77 in a 70mph zone.” Tickets like that.

So, I like to explain to my wife and several white knuckled passengers in my car when I'm driving about the ludicrosity factor. I am going over 100 mph because I DON'T WANT A SPEEDING TICKET! It's counterintuitive, but so far the results are like swiss clock work. Accurate, yet mysterious. Not too long ago one of those passengers called me all excited. He said "Holy shit! It works! I just went over 100 mpg through downtown Chandler in the middle of the night and I didn't get pulled over!" I just smiled and said "The world is your oyster, my young paduan.”

The ludicrosity factor has taught me in some parts of life, you go big. Go beyond what you think are the limits. Life has a way of forgiving sheer brass balls sometimes. I mean it. Go beyond what you think are the limits. I think you'll be surprised as to what some of the results will be. But just in case, my lawyer's name is Michael Avenatti, but he is a little preoccupied at the moment. Speedy travels through life!